You get the call during practice or sitting in the hotel before a game, or maybe it’s been a few days and you’re still processing, but the season doesn’t stop. Your teammates don’t know yet, your coach is expecting you at 6 AM tomorrow, and you’re deep in grief. There’s this unspoken rule in sports that feels absolute: keep going, push through, don’t let it affect the team. But grief doesn’t respect the season schedule; it shows up anyway in a slower stride, a caught breath during warm-ups, a moment in the locker room where you nearly fall apart, and then you feel broken for feeling it.
You’re not.
Grief is real, heavy, and completely incompatible with the idea that you should just “stay focused,” but here’s what’s also true: you can grieve and keep showing up. You just need to do it differently, and that’s what we’re going to talk through together.
The Pressure vs. Reality Gap
Sports culture has taught you something fundamental: your job is to perform, your emotions are private, and if you’re struggling, you fix it quietly or you don’t mention it at all. This works fine for a bad breakfast or a missed lift, but it doesn’t work for grief, because grief is big in a way that most other challenges aren’t. Grief affects your sleep, your focus, your body, your ability to be present with your teammates. In fact, trying to hide it doesn’t make it smaller, it just makes you feel more alone while you’re carrying it.
The reality that most team cultures miss is that the strongest move isn’t powering through as though nothing happened. It’s being honest about where you are at and asking for what you need. If it helps- think about it as another component of your game day and practice strategies, one that helps you be transparent and allow more room to focus on being the best you can be.
Talking to Your Coach: What to Say and How to Start
This might feel like the scariest conversation you have all week, but coaches are human too, and most of them have lost someone important. The ones worth playing for will want to know how you are doing; not so they can “fix you” (which is an impossible feat in grief anyway), but so they can actually support you and adjust expectations to fit what you’re capable of right now.
Here’s how to start: Set up a time that works for both you and them. You can send a simple text or check in before practice saying something like: “Hey Coach, can I grab 10 minutes with you after practice today? Something personal I want to talk through”. A message like that signals that it’s serious and it gives them a moment to prepare for a real conversation. If your loss happens when you are in your free time and/or requires urgent leave, prioritize a phone call over text to reduce anticipatory anxiety of waiting for coach to respond.
When you sit down, something like this works well: “I wanted you to know that I’m dealing with [the loss], and I’m still committed to the team, but I wanted to be honest with you about what’s going on. I might not be 100% right now, and I wanted you to hear it from me first.” You don’t need to disclose specific details, but feel free to share as much as you feel up to in the moment.
What you might ask for depends on what would actually help: There are times in which you may have to take some time off from your sport and miss practice/games. Even if you are back on the field, you can still ask if it’s okay to step away for a moment if you need to. This can look like anything from an extra minute or two if you get emotional during practice to simply asking them to know that your head might not be 100% that day. Some athletes just need their coach to know and don’t ask for anything special, which is valid too.
Most coaches will respect this, and some will offer flexibility, a practice adjustment, a conversation about game time, or just space to breathe. Some will simply say, “I’m sorry, we’re here for you,” and that might be all you need. No matter how they respond, remind yourself that you always have permission to grieve.
Talking to Your Teammates: You Don’t Have to Be Alone
Your teammates spend so much time with you that they’re likely to notice something’s off, even if you’re trying to hide it. The good news is that most of them will want to help if they know what’s happening, but may not know the best way to support you. If you feel comfortable sharing, honesty is probably the best policy whether you need emotional support, space, distraction, or a combination of all three.
A simple way to tell them: Before or after practice, pull a teammate or two aside and say something like, “Hey, I’m going through some personal stuff right now, and I lost someone who’s really important to me. I’m okay, just needed you guys to know, and I might be quieter than usual, but it’s not about you.” You don’t owe them a full story, just enough context so they get it.
What happens next can go a few dfferent ways: They’ll probably say something along the lines of “I’m sorry for your loss” and mean it; some will ask how they can help, some will check in a bit more, but others may not kow what to say or do next. In our society, grief can be an uncomfortable topic and sometimes people get quiet or awkward around loss, especially those who haven’t experienced it. It;s safe to say that no matter how they respond, your close friends on the team want to support you however they can, so it can be totally normal to aks for help however you need it.
If you’re an athlete grieving during the season and want support beyond what your team can offer, our Sports Performance intensive is designed specifically for athletes navigating mental health alongside competition. We work through these kinds of momenst, where your sport and your humanity have to coexist.
When Grief Shows Up During Performance: Self-Compassion Is Not Weakness
Here’s a tough reality: grief is going to leak into your performance in ways you can’t control. You’ll have a rough practice, make game-time mistakes you don’t usually make, cry in the shower after a game, get angry during a drill, etc. All of these experiences are completely normal because you’re processing loss while you’re trying to execute the demands of precision in sports. The key is to not let shame run the show.
When things go sideways on the field or court, instead of spiraling into “I can’t do this,” try reframing it as “I’m grieving and I’m still showing up, and this is what it looks like right now.” That’s not resignation or acceptance of failure, that’s real, and it’s the truth you’re living in this moment.
If you had a bad game because you were grieving, being harder on yourself only makes it worse. Try being honest about what happened: “I was carrying something heavy today and it showed, and that’s okay, because tomorrow is different,” and it will be, because grief isn’t linear and bad days do pass.
A few things that actually help in these moments: Give yourself permission to have off days. On the days you were able to move through the grief effectively, notice what actually helped after a rough moment, whether that was talking to someone, taking five minutes alone, or moving your body. Pausing to reflect on this allows you the space to choose to do more of that moving forward. It’s also important to separate the grief from the performance by asking yourself honestly whether you had a bad game because you were processing loss while competing or due to a skills deficit. It’s likely the former, which makes it easier to be kind to yourself when you’re struggling. Finally, talk to yourself the way you’d talk to a teammate struggling with the same situation, because “you’re handling this better than you think” feels much better than “I’m a mess.”
Grief also floods your emotional regulation system, so if you’re finding it hard to manage the intensity of what you’re feeling while still performing, our DBT Skills intensive is a great option. This extended session teaches concrete tools for holding big emotions without being controlled by them; it’s the exact skill set that helps athletes stay grounded when everything feels unstable.
Finding Meaning in Sport When You’re Grieving
This is optional, as not everyone needs to find meaning in sport during loss. Some athletes find that their sport becomes a container for grief, a place where they can honor the person or remember why playing matters in the first place. This might look like playing hard for them, not as pressure but as connection. You may be intersted in creating a ritual before games or competitions, a moment to remember and feel them there with you in spirit. Some find comfort in wearing something that represents them, like a piece of jewelery or a listening to a song you both loved before stepping on the field. One of the best examples of an athlete who honors a lost loved one before, during, and after games is Karl Anthony Towns of the 2026 Knicks NBA Finals Championship Team. He lost his mother during the COVID-19 pandemic and reports feeling her prescence with him on the court, especially during the big moments.
Some athletes find that their sport gives them a framework to process grief, a place where they can be strong and hurting at the same time, while others need space away from sport to grieve, and both are completely valid. The key is listening to what you actually need, not what you think you’re supposed to need.
One Thing This Week
You don’t have to do everything at once, so pick one thing that feels manageable: Talk to your coach, even if it’s just a heads-up, it changes the dynamic. Tell one teammate so you’re not alone with this. Write down one way you want to talk to yourself differently, because self-compassion is a skill and it gets easier with practice. Or do one thing that feels honoring, a ritual, a moment, whatever fits your life right now.
Grief affects both your mental health and your performance on the field, which is why sports psychology isn’t just about winning – it’s about supporting the whole athlete through all of life’s challenges.
Looking for More Support?
The physical work only gets you so far. The athletes who consistently perform at their best, especially when the stakes are highest, have usually done the mental work too. If you’re ready to stop leaving performance on the table and start showing up as the athlete (and person) you know you can be, Grand Slam Psych is here for it. Contact us today to schedule a free consultation with Dr. McCabe, let’s figure out what’s holding you back and build a game plan to move past it. Because you’ve put in the work. Now let’s make sure your mind is ready to match it.
*Note* Featured Image was taken by Josh Olade. Check his work out on: https://unsplash.com/@josholalde
